I Know These Scars Will Bleed
by castielofasgard
Summary: [Stucky, set during CA:TFA] While on leave in Switzerland, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes face their feelings for just one night. [Warnings: mild smut and some language]


"Hey Steve," Bucky said, walking into his best friend's quarters and having a seat on the edge of his cot. "So I was thinking."  
"Shocking," Steve teased.  
Bucky threw the pillow at Steve's head before continuing.  
"Well, we've got a 24-hour leave tomorrow. I was thinking we could go into Bern, just the two of us. You know... like old times. But with more Switzerland."  
"I'd like that," said Steve with a smile.  
Bucky grinned.  
"I thought you would. I'll let the colonel know where we'll be."

**

Steve and Bucky spent the whole day in Bern, just exploring the city, eating at the least expensive cafes they could find, sitting on benches and talking. It was a beautiful city, but Bucky found himself feeling a little homesick for Brooklyn and for the times before the war, back when it was just him and his little buddy Steve against the world, and the bad guys were just back alley bullies and the flu. But even though he missed those days, as he watched Steve walking beside him in the gently falling snow, not a bit bothered by the sharp cold air, he knew he wouldn't have traded any of this.

As night fell and the streets grew empty, the two of them wandered out onto a bridge and leaned against the railing to watch the water flow by.  
"You know, in the old days, a day like today normally would've included a girl who was way too into you and another who was not into me at all," Steve commented.  
"Yeah well, that last bit has certainly changed since the old days."  
Bucky was surprised by how bitter he sounded and hoped Steve hadn't noticed. He watched the water below them, determinedly avoiding looking at Steve.  
"Bucky, are you okay?"  
Damn it. He had noticed.  
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's nothing," said Bucky, hoping he sounded casual.  
Steve frowned, turning to look at him while still leaning against the guard-rail.  
"You're not... jealous because Peggy likes me, are you?"  
"What? No, that's not it at all."  
Bucky paused, wondering if he should say what was on his mind. His heart was beating so loud he was sure Steve could hear it. He took a deep breath and glanced around to make sure no one was around.  
"The truth is... it's rather the opposite," he murmured, his eyes fixed on the ground between them. "I'm jealous because... because _you_ like Peggy."  
He glanced up at Steve to find him staring, his mouth hanging open in surprise. Bucky bit his lip nervously but Steve just kept staring.  
"Shut your mouth, Steve, you're gonna catch a fly," he said at last.  
Steve obeyed but continued to stare at him. It was too much for Bucky to handle.  
"Please just say something. Even if it's just to tell me... I'm fucked up..." he pleaded.  
"I could never say that," Steve said finally. "Especially not to you."  
"But you can think it."  
"I can't think it either."  
Steve glanced around and took a step toward Bucky. He seemed to freeze for a moment as though considering something, then he closed the distance between them with a fleeting kiss. Bucky's breath hitched in his chest and he stared at Steve as they broke apart.  
"Was that your first kiss?" he asked quietly.  
"No..."  
"Peggy?"  
"No... it was just some girl who cornered me... after I rescued you and the others..."  
"Oh..."  
"Was it horrible?"  
"No. It was... it was actually really nice."  
Bucky could tell he was blushing. His hands were shaking. He bit his lip again, forcing himself not to throw himself at Steve and drown him in kisses he'd held back for years.  
"Steve... we can't do this. Not here. It's too dangerous. If someone saw..."  
"I know. I have an idea. Follow me."  
Steve took Bucky's hand and led him back into the city to a little hotel they had passed earlier that day. The woman at the receptionist's desk looked up when they entered.  
"One room please," Steve requested. "Just for tonight."  
He paid the woman and took the key, leading Bucky up the narrow staircase to their room. Once they were inside, Steve shut the door behind them and turned back to Bucky.  
"There. Now no one will see."  
"What if the receptionist suspects..." Bucky said.  
"She won't. We're two soldiers on leave, she's probably used to it. Now tell me: how long have you felt like this?" said Steve.  
He took Bucky's hand and led him to the bed where they both sat down. Bucky looked at Steve for a moment before answering, wanting more than anything to just kiss him again but knowing that he couldn't just drop a bomb like this and not explain himself.  
"Years. I think we were maybe eighteen when I realized..." he said. "I tried to force myself to stop. I felt... bad. I thought something must be wrong with me, because I couldn't stop. No matter how many girls I dated, even if I did really like some of them, I still just couldn't stop myself from loving you..."  
"It's okay, Buck," said Steve, giving his hand a squeeze. "I know how you feel. It's just... this world we live in. It's drilled into our heads that feeling like this is bad. And maybe it is, but maybe it isn't. I don't know about that. But I know what you mean about feeling conflicted. I really do like Peggy. A lot. When all this is over, if she wanted to marry me, I would. But I also love you, Bucky. If the world were different, I'd have told you ages ago. Hell, if the world were different, I would marry _you_ when this is over."  
Bucky smiled at him sadly.  
"And I'd say yes. But we can't," he said. He glanced down at their hands clasped between them before going on. "Steve... after tonight... we're gonna have to go on like none of this ever happened. If we survive the war... you'll marry Peggy and have a bunch of kids and maybe I'll find some girl and do the same... but we're gonna have to pretend tonight never happened."  
"I know. But if tonight's all we've got, we might as well make it a good one."  
Steve cupped Bucky's face in his hand, gently stroking his thumb along his cheekbone. Bucky leaned into his hand and sighed, determined to savor every moment he and Steve had like this.  
"I love you," he whispered, then leaned forward and kissed Steve with all the passion he could muster.  
This time the kiss lasted more than a second. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve, pulling him closer. Steve's lips were soft against his and even if his kisses revealed his inexperience, Bucky didn't care because it was _him_ Steve was kissing and that was all that mattered to him. Suddenly, Steve pulled away.  
"Is everything okay?" Bucky asked.  
"Yes, it's just... I mean... if you want to... since we only have tonight... I... I'd kind of..." Steve stammered. "I want you to be the first. I mean, only if you want to... I'm sorry, it's probably too much..."  
"Of course I want to," said Bucky. "You're right. Tonight is all we have. We're never gonna have another chance. I love you, Steve. I've loved you for a long time. So yes. I want to."  
Steve smiled sheepishly at him and Bucky felt his heart melt a little.  
"Bucky, I uh... I don't know how..."  
"That's okay. I'll show you."  
"I love you, Buck."  
Bucky smiled and felt his heart melt a little more at those words.  
"I know."  
He pulled off his jacket and tossed it on the floor, then loosened his tie. Kissing Steve, he did the same to him. He broke away to take off their ties, then led Steve's hand to his chest, silently directing him to unbutton his shirt as they kissed again. Steve was a bit slow with the buttons, but when he had undone the last one, he pulled the shirt from Bucky's shoulders with unexpected confidence. Bucky barely paused in kissing Steve as he slipped his arms from the sleeves, freeing his hands to get to work on Steve's buttons. Once their shirts had joined the slowly growing pile of clothes on the floor, they broke apart to take off their undershirts and kick off their shoes and socks.  
Despite the significantly smaller amount of clothing on his body and the winter chill creeping through the cracks in the room, Bucky felt hot and his heart was beating as though he'd just sprinted through town. He straddled Steve and slowly they inched farther onto the bed until Steve was flat on his back with Bucky on top of him. Bucky nuzzled his nose into the crook of Steve's neck as he kissed his throat, then gradually made his way down Steve's chest with kisses. When he reached Steve's navel, he sat up and smiled at Steve as he unbuckled both of their belts. Once their trousers were on the floor with the rest of their clothes, Bucky paused.  
"Are you sure about this, Steve? I just want to make sure, in case you changed your mind..."  
"I'm completely sure," said Steve. His voice was low and shaky, as though he was holding back emotions that would run rampant if he let them.  
Bucky smiled and kissed Steve again, settling himself between his legs. His heart was beating faster than ever now, but he was just as sure as Steve that this was what he wanted. Steve's legs were wrapped around his waist and he was gazing up at him with those kind blue eyes and if there was a heaven, this had to be it.  
Bucky had had sex before but never like this. And not just because Steve was a man but because, well... it was Steve. He was innocent and naive and nervous and all of that just made Bucky love him more. Had they done this before, back when Steve was small and sickly, back before he had a body that made Bucky's senses whirl, Bucky would have been worried that he would break him. But now, even though Steve could have handled the roughest fucking Bucky could throw at him, he didn't. He went as gentle with him as his need would allow, because he really wanted this to matter, to mean something. All those other times had just been having sex, but this time, with Steve, it was making love.  
They had known each other so well for so long, but this was like getting to know each other all over again. Steve was a needy partner, begging for more, his back arching against the mattress, one hand tangled in Bucky's hair and the other gripping the sheets so tightly his knuckles turned white. Bucky's hands found their way over every inch of Steve's body, taking in everything so he could never forget how Steve felt and how he felt touching him. They had always fit together, two sides of the same coin, but now they felt just how much. Their bodies intertwined and locked together like pieces of a puzzle and now the picture was complete, the missing piece had been found. The sound of Steve gasping his name with all the love and need he possessed was sweeter than any song Bucky had danced to before.  
They finished together, just as they had always done everything. Bucky collapsed onto Steve's chest, listening to the syncopated rhythm of their rapidly beating hearts, his eyes closed in contentment. Steve's hand was still in Bucky's hair, but now the other was resting gently on his back.  
"I love you," Steve murmured, the sound vibrating through his chest.  
"I love you too," Bucky replied.  
Lifting his head ever so slightly, he kissed Steve right over his heart.

**

Bucky awoke to sunlight streaming through the window. He lay next to Steve, one arm draped across his chest and his head on his shoulder, Steve's arm wrapped around him and holding him close. Bucky looked at Steve. The sunlight shone on his hair, making it glow golden. He looked like an angel. Bucky would have been content to just watch him sleep forever, but Steve stirred and his eyes flickered open.  
"Morning," he mumbled with a smile.  
"Morning," Bucky replied.  
"What time is it?"  
"No idea, the clock is behind me."  
Steve rolled his eyes and lifted his head to check the clock.  
"Shit," he sighed. "It's 7:30. We have to be back at base in half an hour."  
Bucky groaned and buried his face in Steve's chest.  
"Couldn't we just... be a little late? Just this once?" he asked.  
"I wish. But Colonel Phillips said they'd probably have a lead on Zola by the time we got back from leave."  
"So we probably have a mission."  
Bucky sighed and rolled onto his back.  
"Well... I suppose we'd better get going if we're gonna get back on time," he said.  
He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Slowly they gathered their clothes from the floor and got dressed. Once they were fully clothed, they went to the door and stood there for a moment, just looking at each other.  
"I guess this is it then," Bucky said. "The end of our one night."  
"Yeah... I wish it could have lasted longer," said Steve.  
"Me too."  
Bucky pulled Steve into one last kiss, hoping to convey just how much he loved him with it. Finally they broke apart; Bucky was glad to see he wasn't the only one crying. He sniffed and dried his eyes on his sleeve.  
"You ready?" Steve asked.  
"Yeah. Let's go."

**

"Rogers, Barnes. You're late."  
"Sorry, Colonel, we over slept."  
"No worries. Zola doesn't head out til morning. Here's your briefing, now go get ready."  
Steve took the file from Colonel Phillips and opened it, Bucky reading over his shoulder.  
"Well, Buck, looks like we've got a train to catch."


End file.
